captainsanity

In the past 6 months, a website has risen quickly to fame due to popularity among college students, high schoolers, and now middle schoolers.  The site is called fmylife.com, and is short for the phrase "F--k my life," popularized by the movie Superbad.

http://www.fmylife.com/

The website runs as a forum for a person to display a short story of some occurrence in their life which they believe embodies the expression "F--k my life."  Feedback options include the ability to agree with a person, tell them they deserved it, or leave a personal comment.  Most posts have some sort of irony involved in them such as this hypothetical example.

"Today I was walking around the store and noticed a man making all sorts of crazy movements.  He had a circle of people gathered around him.  I thought he was dancing, so I joined in.  It turned out he was having a seizure.  FML"

Others merely rely on something pathetic to trigger sympathy in the anonymous reader.  Here's an example.

"Today my boyfriend looked at another woman while we were out to eat.  When I glared at him, he told me that I was fat and that he took me to this restaurant so we could break up.  FML"

In the end, there are a thousand different possibilities for your story.  Spin-off sites have started popping up.  One of them specializes in satiring the site.  They are called MLIA, or, My Life Is Average.  The best MLIA stories tend to start out parodying an FML story and then deliver a punch-line.  The site can be found at http://www.mylifeisaverage.com/.  Here's an example.

"I didn't recognize the man I woke up next to this morning.  Then I put on my glasses, and I could actually see my husband."

The diversity of the different FML stories may seem to point to a corresponding diversity of posters, however they all have one commonality.The one unifying theme is a personality aspect of the people who submit these stories.  They're compulsive attention-seekers.

"Now that's a bit harsh, don't you think?" people should respond.  Well, it would indeed be overly harsh if it weren't for one critical detail.  These people are so hopelessly desperate for attention that they feel the need to inform everybody they possibly can that their life sucks.  You know you're self-absorbed when you're telling people who neither know you nor care about your life.  (This also applies to Twitter, where people incessantly hound their favorite celebrities and then go on to post that they're taking a dookie, hoping the celebrity will read it and feel close to them.)

At the end of the day, FML represents yet another pitfall of American society.  We're so engrossed in ourselves that we can't even tell when nobody cares.  We are self-absorbed in ways that citizens of third world countries could laugh at.  Maybe instead of complaining to some anonymous stranger how much your life sucks, you should be happy you have food in your stomach, a roof over your head, and internet access, as a good amount of the world lacks at least one of the three.

*Note* All examples were fabricated by me to explain the sites.  Although similar stories most likely exist, I'm responsible for these ones.

Here's our problem: not enough Americans get sufficient health care coverage.  Here are a few other problems: America doesn't reward domestic businesses who don't outsource enough, America is taxing companies too heavily and impeding development.

Here's the solution.  It's outrageously simple, and it knocks out all three problems at once (or at least diminishes them).

Give large tax incentives to companies that offer medical coverage to high percentages of their employees.  Make it on a waterfall scale.  The more people companies offer coverage to, the bigger the tax incentive.

Here's how this helps the other two categories.  American corporations have a nasty habit of outsourcing jobs to areas with cheap labor, taking valuable jobs away from American workers.  The only way companies could receive the above tax breaks would be to have American employees whom they could grant medical coverage to.  You can't offer American medical insurance to the factory of Guatemalan youth who make your sweaters.  You can, however, offer it to the factory of American workers who assemble your Maytag washing machine.  Now the workers get health care, and the corporation is eligible for tax incentives because they hire domestically.

In this period of economic downturn, the US has been talking a lot about "taking a bite out of big business."  The problem is that Big Business provides millions of jobs and resources for this country.  Like usual, the government has set up a scapegoat to take the blame of our current economic plight.  What came as a product of fiscal irresponsibility on the part of legislators and bankers has been painted as a failure of industry and commercial enterprises.  Ladies and gentleman, Microsoft is in no way responsible for the current recession.  They're a big business that provides hundreds of thousands of jobs to US citizens.  Current plans would chip away at their revenue and force them to halt development of products that serve the public, and impede their ability to offer jobs to US residents.  By giving them a tax break incentive for providing health care to more employees, we can remove some of the economic strain of this recession on them and allow them to focus on what matters: product development and serving their clientele.

Also, healthy employees are happy employees.  An action such as expanding company health care policies might deflate some of the tension between employers and unions.

Even in the face of this disaster that our economy has become, America has the opportunity to fix three things at once and provide a better future for today's workers and future generations.

1. Get out of here.
2. Get out of here.
3. Get out of here.
4. Get out of here.
5. Get out of here.

This might be a flavor-of-the-week kind of thing, but I just want to get away from a few disasters right now.

Well, there's French toast, French fries, and French drains.  I think of all of these, I'd really like some French toast right now, so I'll go with that.

No alcohol, no sex.  Just pizza, friends, and film.  I had a great time, and nobody was pretending to have a good time simply because they thought they had to.  Nobody was puking into the toilet.  Nobody was pulling somebody else they barely knew into a room upstairs.  Everybody just ate the pizza, watched the movies, and enjoyed our time together.  You'll find that you don't need alcohol or sex to enjoy being with people.

Lately, I've been getting confronted with some little nuggets of "wisdom" often espoused by seventeen year old girls to one another. The shocking thing is that I'm not hearing it from teenagers. I'm hearing it from my tv, my radio, my computer, my music, and adults all around me.

I'm referring to the pseudo relationship advice given out by columnists for magazines such as Cosmopolitan and People. This stuff is on par with that of Dr. Phil, except it's somewhat worse. Dr. Phil typically only ruins 2 or so lives at a time. The self-righteous babbling of the emotionally-removed columnists from these magazines warp millions of people's views on reality. They have no license to counsel. They have no experience in the issues they give advice for. Basically all they have are a captive audience, and some incredibly bad half-baked ideas about love and relationships.

I'm going to set the 13 biggest of these misconceptions straight. I'll be flat with everybody. I have no license to counsel. My experience in Psychology ends with college credit in General Psychology and another in Sociology. The difference between these columnists and I is that I have experience on my side. I've seen all of the advice they've given played out. That's more than they can say. I've watched both myself and other people around me pay the price for the thoughtless drivel that these columnists spout so they can continue to feel smart and important.

After I watched these 13 gems in action, I sat back to think long and hard about the implications behind them and what they meant to the world around me. I've seen these things tear some really wise and mature people down like they were trapped in high-school drama. I decided that I wanted to stop this. This little article is just a start.

Our generation needs a crusade. It's time to tell the distant and removed editors at these magazines that their words come with consequences. It's time to throw away the rose-colored glasses of relationship relativism and stop hearing what we want to hear. It's time to stop running from the responsibilities we have and the guilt we deserve. It's time to be the generation that sees the rising divorce rate finally curtail and start to descend again.

I'd like to reiterate that I'm no expert. I don't consider myself wise, unless you're talking about being a wise-ass. The things that I'm saying come from an observation of my own mistakes and the mistakes of my friends around me. I don't claim to have all of the answers. I do claim to have a new perspective on the answers you've already been given, and that I'm worth listening to and considering. I don't mean to insult anybody or to claim that I'm better. I've made these mistakes too. In the end, it's up to you to do what's right. I apologize in advance for the length, but this is sensitive material. It has to be said in the exact right way, or not at all. I hope you will read all of it, but I won't hold it against you if you don't. Just try to read an entire point before stopping. They don't tie together completely until I finalize each point.

Without further ado, I give you the 13 Biggest Lies About Relationships (Alternately titled "Shut Up, Cosmo").

1. You can't control who you love.
Love begins as an emotion, but it becomes a decision. You can control your decisions. When you love somebody, you decide to honor the commitment. Also, saying you can't control who you live is tantamount to declaring that you can't control who you hate. Hate is completely optional, and not many people want to argue against that. How is it that we're held accountable for deciding who we hate (we tell people on a daily basis to "let go" of their hate), but not who we love?

When you're not feeling it for somebody that you genuinely loved in the past, it's not like you can't control it. Your desire may have temporarily fizzled out, but that happens in all relationships (except the worst Hollywood ones), and to expect anything different means you might not be mature enough to handle being with somebody in a relationship. You can't write it off by saying "Oh, they were the wrong person." One person made sure that they were wrong for you, and that person was you.

The point is, if you love somebody, then the passion will return. You can't half-ass it. Don't even think about writing things off as an "If it's meant to be, no matter what I do things will work," kind of deal either. True love takes work too. You must actually decide to love when your desire gets switched off. If people always gave up when love got hard, I think my parents would have tossed me out a long time ago. If we hold parents accountable for the decision to love every day, why shouldn't we extend it to significant others?

2. You should never have to change for somebody else.
If you need to become a better person, then you need to change. If you need to grow up, you need to change. It's not just for your significant other, it's for you and the world around you. Holding somebody to a higher standard is not a bad thing. The problem is when you want your partner to rearrange who they are in terms of concrete things such as convictions and values. There's a huge difference between encouraging development and forcing somebody into a box.

This kind of goes back to a little fallacy that people should "Be whatever they want to be and do what makes them happy." Not true. Sometimes people need to improve. Hitler wanted to be a genocidist, and killing 13 million people made him happy. That's a drastic example, but that's down the same road you have your foot on if you believe the phrase above without any qualifiers or limits. There are such things as objective standards of self-betterment.

The simple truth is that there's a difference between self-confidence and what this is. Self confidence is being secure in who you are, but being open to making yourself a better person. The logic above is simply an excuse for when you don't want to do what it takes to become a better person. It's having complacency with what's wrong with you, and this isn't about physical flaws.

It's about those things that you may or may not know about that you do wrong. Maybe you're selfish. Maybe you're arrogant. Maybe you're hateful. Maybe you're a liar. Maybe you're immature. I've been ALL of these things at some point (and still am some from time to time), and I made a lot of excuses for myself. The day I recognized them and started pushing back against them, I felt much better about myself and others. I looked back at my excuses and felt so sorry that I had put off changing for so long. I wasn't just being myself, I was being a better me.

I think that we misuse the above phrase. Growth should be central in a relationship. You should grow with one another, and growth is essentially change. Don't ask somebody to change the things that define them and make them wonderful. Ask them to grow in the areas that would help them become even more wonderful and bring out the best things that make them who they are.

I guess it would be fair to say that relationships are about constantly changing for one another. Your significant other should challenge you to be a better person and they should bring out the best in you. Your partner should take an active role in your development and well-being, which leads straight into the next lie.

3. If they love you, they will never intervene in your life or decisions.
If somebody who loves you sees you headed for disaster, what kind of person would they be if they didn't try to help you? If you saw somebody drowning in the ocean, or if you saw somebody walking to the edge of a roof thinking they can fly, wouldn't you save them? Yes, it's "their life," but when they're headed for disaster, you have to take their best interests at heart.

The key is doing this with love and respect. Don't go in like you're a better person or like you have all of the answers. Just do what needs to be done out of a spirit of love and sincere concern for the person at risk. Always examine your motives and what truly is best for the person. Make sure you're not acting for yourself.

4. If you feel like you're backed into a corner with a relationship, get out immediately.
People seem to have a natural fear of irreversible decisions. The funny thing about this little gem of wisdom is that it basically advises people not to commit under any circumstances. When you're serious about somebody, you're going to have less freedom. You shouldn't be seeing other people. You shouldn't be able to drop off of the face of the Earth without warning. You are accountable.

Two people who love eachother are linked, sometimes irreversibly so. Yes, you are bound to one person, and you will feel the strength of those ties. Sometimes it will feel uncomfortable. That's life. However, there will also be times where you feel the strength of those ties and you take comfort in the fact that you have somebody that considers you the center of their world. If you truly love somebody, you should be prepared to leave everything behind for them if need be, knowing that they would do the same for you. If you want to be with somebody, you have to deal with the trades that come with it. If you feel limited with somebody, that's normal. It's called commitment.

5. You should always have that sense of complete freedom if you're in the right relationship.
This goes with the rule above. Relationships are tradeoffs. Relationships aren't always about having fun. Maybe you shouldn't get drunk around a bunch of members of the opposite sex that you don't know too well when you're significant other isn't around. Maybe you shouldn't accept that friend request from Myspace of that shady person you don't know whose username is Markxlikesxsex1135 or Emilyxisxaxgoodxlay3994. Maybe you shouldn't talk to that ex who just wants to have sex, even if you don't ever think you'll give in (don't avoid it because your other asked you to, avoid it because it's the right thing to do). Maybe you should feel compelled to spend time with your significant other when you're both free. You won't have the liberty of being single, but you shouldn't care.

The person you're with will make you forget about all of that. If they don't, something's wrong or you might not be mature enough for a relationship. (Again, the maturity isn't meant as an insult. People don't go to school for relationships. We're left to our own devices to learn things, and sometimes we take the wrong lessons. It doesn't help that Cosmo's there to tell us that it's not our fault whenever we mess up and give us a warped view about relationships. That's where most of these 13 misconceptions come from.)

6. Ironically, you must be single to have freedom and fun.
Not true. If you're bored with your partner, go out of your way to make things interesting again. If you're both drowning in stress, work, or distance, don't judge the relationship too harshly. You'll find time to unwind and strengthen the bond when things are less hectic.

Also, the reason you're not enjoying yourself might be closer than you think. Enjoyment is a decision. You can enjoy cleaning your room if you really want to. You can enjoy writing a paper for a class. The key to enjoying things rests in appreciating what you have, and giving your attitude a makeover. If you're not happy with your relationship, and there's genuine love there, you have problems in your life that a break-up won't fix. You've got attitude issues. A break-up is just going to shove away somebody who quite possibly cares about you more than anybody else in the world does.

Learn to take pleasure in all of the simple things about the person you love and the small things that make your life with them great. I guarantee you that you're taking something for granted. When in doubt, take a page out of Elizabeth Browning's book and count the ways you love somebody and look for the ways they love you.

7. You can still keep all of your barriers and safeguards up in a successful relationship.
Nope. If your last significant other was abusive, you have to bury them in the past. It doesn't matter that you have a right to be paranoid and mistrustful. You have no right to expect this relationship to come out any differently than the one that wrecked you if you don't give the person you love the benefit of the doubt. The whole "low expectations=no disappointment" deal doens't actually help. You should ask inner-city kids how that's working out for them with education. Trust is a gradual thing, of course, but that doesn't mean you can keep your guard up all the time.

Love can't exist without trust. That's a harsh statement, but it's completely true. In actuality, love can't exist unless it's a decision made completely by one person free from control. Love can't be commanded, demanded, coerced, or manipulated. It must come from free choice. Not trusting somebody to love you is removing the choice to be faithful to you and care about you. In the end of the day, you can't make these decisions for somebody. If they're mature enough and the love is real, they will do the right thing.

8. Your friends should always be as important to you as your significant other.
I'm sorry to say this to all the BFF's and Bro's out there, but there comes a point in life where the person you love comes first. Sometimes this takes 6 months, sometimes it takes 3 years. Eventually it happens. Think about it this way: the love of your life should be your best friend anyways. They should fulfill all of the requirements for "best friend," and even better yet, you have an emotional bond that your other friends can't touch. You don't get married to your friends. You don't have kids with your friends. You don't file for joint tax returns with your friends.

I know it can be hard to put most of your eggs in one basket, but this goes back to that trust thing. If you make the love of your life your number one, you won't be disappointed. You share a special bond with them that you can't even approach with any of your friends. As for the friends, try not to get jealous or possessive. Your newly-smitten friend will always be there for you. Be happy for them that they've found somebody to share their life with. You just might too, and I guarantee that if your heart's in the right place, you will feel the exact same way about your significant other.


HALFWAY POINT!
Thank you for your patience and persistence in continuing this far into this blog. Please treat yourself to a well-deserved break. Let it all sink in. You may hum the Jeopardy tune if you choose. I really do appreciate the fact that you've gotten this far, and hope that what you've read will be of genuine use to you in the future.


9. If you lose affection for your significant other, you should have no feelings of guilt or responsibility for leaving.
This goes back up to the first fallacy. Love is a decision. I believe Massive Attack wrote a song later covered by José González that goes like this.

"Love, love is a verb. Love is a doing word." There you have it. Love takes a bit of effort on the part of the person. It's not just some random roller-coaster that drags you here and there without any sort of control and input from you. Most people like to pretend that's the case, and end up setting up a system kind of like a Ouija board where they always hear what they want to hear.


Warning! Slight deviation from original point, but it's relevant in the end, I promise.

When you type "I'm no longer" into the Google search bar, the first suggestion is "I'm no longer an orphan." The second is "I'm no longer attracted to my husband." Examine the implications of that for just a moment. *Jeopardy theme resumes* The next two are "I'm no longer in love with my husband," and "I'm no longer sexually attracted to my husband."

If you follow the first few links, you usually find yourself on a Yahoo answers page or something similar. The answers are typically consistent variations of "You must leave him, for your own sake! If you're not happy, you shouldn't have to deal with it." Yes, let's listen to liztehpxie550@hotmail.com. I'm sure she's very experienced in matters of the heart. As sad as it is, she's not to blame. She's only parroting what Cosmo has told her. That's why all of the answers to this question seem like they were written by the same person in a different way.

Oddly enough, when you follow the male equivalent, "I'm no longer attracted to my wife/girlfriend," you get less than half the hits. When you follow a link to a Yahoo answers page, the responses usually sound a bit like this. "You need to seriously self-examine. Did you love this person? If you ever did, then that love is still there, and you need to struggle to rekindle it. It will be painful. It will take time, but in the end you will be happy you did." Of course the odd person does post the occasional "LEAVE HER FOR HER/YOUR OWN GOOD!" comment, but they're in the minority.

Allow me to point out the critical difference in the answers. Most men don't read Cosmo or any form of magazine that presumes to give the haughty self-praising relationship advice. Most men are coming from matters of personal experience rather than simply saying what their favorite columnist gives off-hand comments about when they put their two cents in on these response blogs.

Also, note that the female equivalents tend to espouse immediate action, where as the men caution that a decision should come with a solid amount of thought and introspection. That's rather uncharacteristic. Men using forethought and actually looking before they leap? What next? I wonder who gave us the ridiculous stereotype that all men are insensitive apes who can't understand something if it isn't measured in yard-lines or horsepower....Oh wait, that was Cosmo. Anyhow, this slight deviation from the issue at hand into a battle of the sexes is now over. There's a new movie with Gerard Butler and Katherine Heigl in it called "The Ugly Truth" coming out that may or may not have the balls to challenge the Cosmo convention. We'll see. Back on task.

Every relationship has its trials where passion will fade. That's where you dig in and keep faith that the passion that was there will reignite. You make the decision to love. Saying that you can't control what you feel is an excuse. If you make the decision to stop loving, then you need to accept the responsibilities and the guilt that comes with it. You hit a rocky point in the relationship and you gave up. Maybe you're not ready to get involved with anybody. There's not really a rose-colored way to put it.

It's unrealistic at best to think that you can live your entire life with somebody special to you without getting that love tested. At its worst, it's naive and immature. Passion fades. This is a proven fact. You will have to deal with this no matter who you're with. Don't bother saying things like "I don't miss you. Whenever people that truly love eachother are separate, they always miss eachother more and more with each passing moment," when you don't see eachother. You won't always miss somebody. If your mind's occupied with something else, then it's easy to avoid missing them. Also, you might actually miss them and are just unaware of it. The point is that to make the call on the issue because of that would be unwise.

This fallacy, in general, comes from the misinterpretation of proverbs like "To thine own heart be true." While this phrase definitely carries some weight, it doesn't mean you can justify your actions by saying "I'm caught in an emotional roller-coaster and I'm being dragged away from you." It actually means "Don't let the things that define you as a good person change." The funny thing is that when most of the people claim to get dragged around by the "emotional roller-coaster," in a loving relationship, they offer the excuse that "I'm changing into a new person. You're not right for the new me, and I must be true to my heart." These changes don't always lead to self-improvement. It's unrealistic to think they will when the inciting incident for the change is chickening out of a relationship challenge. Sometimes it's just change for the sake of change. That's kind of a crappy reason to end a serious relationship.

There's some hypocrisy going on if the last statement applies. If you're making changes, you're not being true to your heart. If somebody brought out the best in you and challenged you to develop every day, leaving them isn't true to your heart. Some people might argue that constant development and improvement of character isn't staying "true to your heart," but I challenge them to look a meth-addict in the eye and tell them to "be true to their heart," and continue with the addiction their heart rationalizes every day.

Your heart is set on growing, and becoming a better person. To say you're following it by doing something selfish or cold is like saying that you're going to exercise by sitting on the couch. In the end, it's nothing but talk and false intent. You can't think your abs into a six-pack, and you definitely can't think yourself into a better person. It takes some serious development, but people don't want that. It's willful ignorance and excuses. The sad fact is that when somebody doesn't challenge you to develop and become a better person, you will outgrow them, because love needs development and challenging to be love. When somebody challenges you to become a better person and you "follow your heart" by leaving, you're doing the opposite of what you think.

It's a tough realization to come to, but you might have blown it. You might have asked for the check a bit early. You might have left before the fat lady sung. You might have skipped the encore. You might have gotten in the shower with your socks on. You might have left before a 9th inning miracle Cheesy analogies aside, if you aren't willing to see a relationship through tough times, you have to take responsibility for that. If you feel guilty, don't justify the guilt away. Sometimes we need to know when we do something wrong, and we have to live with the scars.

10. Your own happiness should be your main goal in a relationship.
This is really where you see how America as an individualistic society has shaped relationships. Here's the cold hard truth: relationships are not about you.

Now that we've got that out of the way, I can explain. Relationships are about two people making eachother happy. It's a joint union. Going into a relationship thinking about yourself and complaining when you're not satisfied is like going out for one of those ridiculous expensive dinners where you get a steak the size of your closed fist and complaining that you're not full.

Know what you're getting in to. Also, it's important to note that sometimes when people are unhappy, it's because they are making a choice to be unhappy. Remember the advice above about enjoying things that you didn't appreciate before? Try taking a new perspective. Appreciate the things around you. If you still aren't happy, tell your partner they need to step up their game. They might not realize that you're missing something. Giving them a chance would be not only fair, but wise. They want you to be happy. That's their goal. Let them have a chance to make you happy.

The other possibility is that, yet again, you're not ready to get involved with anybody. If the love is real, you will always have the ability to find happiness. Sometimes you just have to search a little bit harder and draw from your partner a little more.

11. When girls want more commitment, it's because they're insecure. When guys want it, it's because they're possessive.
Double standards are awesome. Sometimes the above happens to be the case, but it's the smallest minority. Believe it or not, when most people want commitment, it's because they like you. They like you a whole lot, and they feel so confident in their decision to love you that they'll stake something important on it and try to show it in some tangible way.

It's not because some woman is afraid the man will leave if he isn't chained to the ground or because the man wants to have complete and total control over the woman. Commitment expresses a desire for proximity, not control or emotional neediness. It's also a sign of maturity and affection. It's basically saying, "Look, I like you a whole bunch, and I'm so confident in my decision to love you that I want to show it in a tangible way." They want to be closer to you. This desire comes from a deep and stirring love they have for you, not some need to ensure you won't leave or to micromanage every facet of your life. It's not pathetic. It's not creepy. If somebody says this to you, be flattered.

12. Live without regrets.
This saying is actually pretty decent when in the right context, but it's usually blatantly ripped out of it. Other variations include "If you've never done anything you regret, you've never lived, etc." What they actually mean is, "Learning from your mistakes is an important part of life. Don't repeat them." What they don't mean is, "making mistakes is good," or "Absolve yourself of all of the wrong things you've done and completely forget about them."

Actually, that's kind of the opposite. You're supposed to remember your mistakes and use them to guide you in the future. Pretending they didn't happen just sets you up for the next mistake. Eventually, your mistakes get to be so numerous that you'll give yourself amnesia from trying to forget everything.

This saying gets backed by common misinterpretations of a lot of proverbs such as Lord Byron's infamous quote "It's better to have loved and lost....." blah blah blah. What he means is that it's important to take lessons away from bad experiences, not that you need to go through bad experiences to take lessons. (Also, a word of advice. Quoting Byron to somebody who's gone through a rough breakup is more likely to get you punched in the face, not make the other person feel better.)

The best example is Hollywood harlot starlet Megan Fox. She said "I've done drugs, and that's how I know I don't like them. I did it in order to make an informed decision." I heard getting hit by a car sucks, but I don't know if I'll like it or not. I've got an idea. I'll run back and forth into the middle of I-95 until I finally get struck by a four-wheeled object. Then, I'll be able to make an informed decision as to whether getting hit by a car really sucks, or whether the multitudes of people who have told me so are just bs'ing me or the common sense that condemns it is flawed.

Mufasa says it best when he tells Simba not to go looking for trouble. Trouble will always find you. Don't go searching for it, thinking it will make you a better person. You shouldn't go searching for tough life experiences because they will make you a better person. There's a difference between volunteering to help out with the Special Olympics and shooting up heroin. Both are tough experiences, but one is enriching, and the other one sucks. If you've overcame a heroin addiction, that's an incredibly meaningful experience, but it's incomparable to a difficult act of service for others.

What I'm trying to say is that anybody who has genuinely overcome something like a heroin addiction will never say that they would do it all over again. Somebody who volunteered to help others would. The "Try everything once," philosophy has done a lot of horrible things to people. The key difference is that the recovered addict would have done things differently if they had the chance to go back in time. The "enlightened" person wouldn't, because they think there's something to be gained from it. In short, don't go about actively trying to make regrets, or even worse ignoring the important lessons they teach us.

13. You can have multiple true loves.
Let's check the dictionary.

True:

1. Fundamental; essential: his true motive.


2. Rightful; legitimate: the true heir.

These definitions definitely imply a singular function. You can't have two rightful heirs to a throne. Somebody is more legitimate than the other. It takes a very black-and-white approach. The truth is the truth is the truth. If it's not the truth, then it's a lie.

Yet again, the concept of multiple true loves is a crutch we use. It keeps us from admitting that we have been in relationships where we threw out the "true love" phrase and were wrong. It hurts to be wrong. It's embarrassing. It makes us feel stupid. That said, pretending it didn't happen or that you were right doesn't make things better.

Conversely, we sometimes make the opposite excuse that things didn't work out "because we weren't meant to be together." That's just a childish attempt to use predestination as a justification for what happened. When an average person tells you they dropped out of high school because of grades and that they weren't meant to graduate (or else their grades would have been better), you don't accept that. You tell them they didn't try hard enough. We're not slaves to circumstance. Circumstance is a slave to us.

To drop a relationship and say it wasn't true love because not every step of your journey together was padded by rose bouquets is like saying that you weren't meant to graduate because you got a couple "F's." You create a self-fulfilling prophecy. Yeah, true love wins in the end, but I don't think that's a good excuse to go around ditching somebody whenever you get bored giving the excuse that your true love would never bore you. I've flunked my fair share of tests in high school, but never once did I say I wasn't meant to graduate.

At the end of the day, I guess the best way to put this is "Don't tell yourself what you want to hear because you want to hear it." It sucks to go back through everything with a fine-tooth comb and resurrect those memories, but sometimes that's what needs to happen. If you're going to throw out the claim that "It was/wasn't meant to be," there better be a whole lot of serious thought and introspection behind it.

And when I say introspection, I mean introspection. It's easy to sit there and say "Well they did this wrong, and then they did that, and they also did this, and that's why they're not right for me." What you need to ask is "What did I do wrong? Did I trigger some of the things that they did wrong? Am I using what they did wrong to anchor my judgment that this wasn't meant to be? What are the reasons that it was meant to be?"

Saying it because it alleviates you or because it supports what you think is pointless. You magically found that the right thing is what happens to be what you wanted. Coincidence, right? That's what psychologists call "confirmation bias." You always find what you're looking for.

I know of only one circumstance where you can have multiple true loves. If one of your true loves is lost to you (i.e. the relationship doesn't end by circumstances under either of your control), it's possible that you might have multiple true loves. An example of this would be losing a spouse to an accident, or disease and falling in love again with another person after you've taken some time to heal.

And that's all I have to say about that.
-Forest Gump